Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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