you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
