I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Randomize
