I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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