im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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