It's Friday. Sex?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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