sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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