Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
