I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
