I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
