she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
