I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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