4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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