I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
