mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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