It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
