im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
