You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
