I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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