I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
