Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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