I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
