I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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