I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
