Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize