I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
