You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
