He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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