I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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