Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
