Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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