some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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