I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
