I will die if light touches me.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Randomize
