I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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