my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
