i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
