did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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