this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
