I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
