i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
