I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
