Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
