ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize