ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
