So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
