My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
