his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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