apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As shirtless as possible
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
