genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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