Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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