I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
