Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
