Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
