Will you blow on my dice?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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