if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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