it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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