My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
