Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
