people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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