So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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