I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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