Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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