don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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