Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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