i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
