anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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