Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
a search helicopter?!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
