There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
